About the HopeFull Heart
My whole life I have struggled with anxiety, primarily stemming around finances. I often felt like I didn’t have “enough”, and therefore I wasn’t “enough”. For years, I pushed down my anxieties and neglected my mental health. And then I started struggling with infertility. Suddenly, that anxiety completely took over. My life had never felt so completely out of my control. It wasn’t until my life came crumbling down around me that I decided something had to change.
If you are on a similar journey, you know how isolating grief and infertility can be. I decided to start sharing my journey, to let you know you are not alone! Not everything in life can be controlled, but a little of preparation, and a whole lot of hope, you can help you manage your anxiety and your life. So grab a cup of coffee (or tea) and let’s embark on this journey together!
This is my story of grief, loss, and finding hope.
In August 2023 I found out I was pregnant for the first time. After suffering with infertility for two years, I was finally going to be a mom! To say I was overwhelmed with happiness is quite an understatement. In an instant, that little one immediately became my whole world.
Unfortunately, at our 8 week ultrasound appointment, my happiness abruptly ended. There was no heart beat. We were told to come back in one week to check again, however we were most likely having a missed miscarriage. That next week was one of the most painful weeks of my life. My mind went to a million different places, but ultimately it kept coming back to a little sliver of hope that was impossible to let go of. Maybe if I just think positive thoughts, everything would be ok. However, a week later my worst fear was confirmed. We had lost our baby. My heart, and all of my hope, was shattered.
Two months after my miscarriage, I received more heartbreaking news. My dad, who had been battling cancer, only had a few weeks to live. I had known he was sick, but I hadn’t wanted to accept the full reality of it all. I was still grieving the loss of someone I had never met, and now I had to prepare for the loss of someone I had known my whole life. Those last few weeks with him were eerily similar to those painful days before my miscarriage was confirmed. My dad was still with me, but I knew I was losing him. And no amount of wishful thinking could change that. It was all out of my control.
During one of my last conversations with my dad, he asked me to stay strong and to never give up. He knew how badly I wanted to be a mom, and he made me promise that I would keep fighting for that dream even when he was gone. He was suffering, but his only worries were for the loved ones he was leaving behind. As I stood by my his side while he took his last breath, the grief took over. How could my heart take any more pain?
In my dad’s weakest moment, he showed me how to be strong. I knew I had to keep fighting, for myself and for him. And so I embarked on a journey to face my fears and conquer my dream of motherhood. The journey has been filled with a lot of pain and frustrations, however along the way, I am learning a lot about myself and my obsession with needing to be in “control” my finances, and ultimately my life. I have discovered the importance of controlling what you can control, letting go of what you can’t, and hoping for the best!
This was the beginning of the HopeFull Heart.
XO,
The HopeFull Girl
“Grief is relentless, but so is hope”
-Zoe Clark Coates